Queen Mum to go out in style

Turning fact into fiction and back again

The Queen Mother is determined to raise the nation's spirits.
Disturbing news has been released by Clarence House, the residence of the Queen Mother. On the day that the Royal family will lay to rest Princess Margaret the Queen Mother has decided to seal her own fate in a dramatic fashion that is bound to shake the Royal household.
Since hearing the news of her daughter's untimely death the Queen Mother has been fixated with her own ending. She has apparently decided upon the controversial usage of euthanasia to end her own life.

A Royal Footman tests the bungi cord in a practice run.
Determined to go out in a blaze of glory she has opted for the use of a bungi cord to launch herself across the river Thames in a scene to be televised to the nation. "It'll cheer them right up," she apparently said apparently earlier.

Experts have already predicted that the stunt will cause certain harm to the Queen Mother due to the frail nature of her body and the high inertias created by bungi apparatus. "It'll snap her two like a stick of celery, but I guess that's the point," said one passing expert.

Not been herself for some time.
The Queen Mother, known as 'Queenie' in the Royal household, has been obsessed with bungi since watching a couple on Blind Date do it on a holiday in Australia. "Ever since then she hasn't talked about anything else," said a Clarence House spokesperson.
Kevin Aldright, the contestant on the fateful Blind Date episode said today, "This is awful. In some way I feel responsible for the death of a Royal. They can still hang you for that can't they?"
Last night the Queen Mother was also talking of launching Princess Margaret's body across the Thames using an ancient catapult though these rumours were unconfirmed and possibly bogus.

You could clear the Isle of Dogs with one of these.