Pop Idol's Rik nibbles fellow contestant

Turning fact into fiction and back again

The public were urged to "vote for the fat bloke"
Pop Idol hopeful Rik Waller's chance of becoming a Pop Idol was placed in jeopardy last night. Police are investigating claims that Mr. Waller, 23 st., attempted to consume Gareth G..G..Gates, 12, in a savage cannibalistic manner. Cannibalism has been outlawed in England for the last forty years but remains legal in Scotland and Cornwall. 
Waller, subject of an e-mail campaign urging people to "vote for the fat bloke", missed his scheduled performance in last week's eliminator show because of the backstage culinary ruckus.

He will be kicked off the show if the charges prove to be true.

Fellow contestant Gareth Fates - notorious for his humourous stutter - is assisting police with their inquiries.


Gareth Gates basted alive
He said: "Rik was complaining that his crisp supply had run dry. Then he started salivating whilst sprinkling rosemary & sage on my hair."

A packet of crisps could have saved him
"The look in his eyes was scary, I really didn't know what to do. And then he basted me."
Walkers Crisps were in discussion with Rik Waller on the subject of promotion if he won. That now looks doubtful, a Walkers spokesman said today, "we thought we could play on surname but it's not that funny really."
Although Mr Waller has so far not been charged it is a weight that hangs over him. 

Simon Cowell said "He should be bit more of an old c#nt like me"


Quentin Crisp: "Cheer up sonny"

This incident is only the latest in a run of celebrities stalkings. Tom Cruise once staked out a chip shop in Southend for two months claiming it was method acting, and most recently Catherine Zeta Jones stalked a geriatric 90-year old only to later marry him.