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| "99s , Cornetos,
Magnums - we've got it." |
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| An internal report
from the Pentagon has recommended that President Bush adopt a
radical new stance on foreign policy. In a shock turn of events,
the President has publically endorsed the report's findings. |
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The report, penned by the Pentagon's
new radical think tank, agrees that current foreign policy is
morally sound but disagrees that it is the most practical and cost
effective way of ceasing troublesome terrorist activity.
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Instead of organising mass military
operations to control troubled hotspots, the new recommendations
is to pacify local militia with ice cream.
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"Our studies with children have
shown that when given a steady supply of ice cream a recipient
will lose any grudges or ill-feelings towards the supplier.",
says a Pentagon scientist. "We extended our research using
full-blown adults and got the same results. This means that if we
bought, say, about six ice creams per terrorist then that will
stop them hating us - which is something they're pretty keen on
doing. This stops that."
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In a move widely seen as stupid, the
Pentagon are standing firm. "Next year defence budgets are
due soon. This plan should save millions of tax-payers' dollars.
After all, the cost of terminating your average Al Quida terrorist
is $12,000. The cost of six chocolate ice creams will knock the
Pentagon back bby about $10. It's a big saving, and there's many
flavours out there."
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| If Congress support
this new strategy then we should be seeing dramatic changes
immediately, said a spokesperson today, somewhere.
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An Abrahams tank |
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A Walls Ice Cream Van |
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"All we have to do is convert one
of these [Abrahams Tank], into one of these [ice cream van]",
said Gen. Boomhowl today, "That's the tricky part. While the
tank has been specifically designed for hostile warfare it has no
service window and no jingle. These things we'll have to rectify
before we go in."
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