Newsfelch.co.uk: Bush adopts radical new foreign policy

Turning fact into fiction and back again

"99s , Cornetos, Magnums - we've got it."
An internal report from the Pentagon has recommended that President Bush adopt a radical new stance on foreign policy. In a shock turn of events, the President has publically endorsed the report's findings.
The report, penned by the Pentagon's new radical think tank, agrees that current foreign policy is morally sound but disagrees that it is the most practical and cost effective way of ceasing troublesome terrorist activity.
Instead of organising mass military operations to control troubled hotspots, the new recommendations is to pacify local militia with ice cream.
"Our studies with children have shown that when given a steady supply of ice cream a recipient will lose any grudges or ill-feelings towards the supplier.", says a Pentagon scientist. "We extended our research using full-blown adults and got the same results. This means that if we bought, say, about six ice creams per terrorist then that will stop them hating us - which is something they're pretty keen on doing. This stops that."
In a move widely seen as stupid, the Pentagon are standing firm. "Next year defence budgets are due soon. This plan should save millions of tax-payers' dollars. After all, the cost of terminating your average Al Quida terrorist is $12,000. The cost of six chocolate ice creams will knock the Pentagon back bby about $10. It's a big saving, and there's many flavours out there."
If Congress support this new strategy then we should be seeing dramatic changes immediately, said a spokesperson today, somewhere.

An Abrahams tank

A Walls Ice Cream Van
"All we have to do is convert one of these [Abrahams Tank], into one of these [ice cream van]", said Gen. Boomhowl today, "That's the tricky part. While the tank has been specifically designed for hostile warfare it has no service window and no jingle. These things we'll have to rectify before we go in."