Commuters asked to walk faster

Turning fact into fiction and back again

Slow walking commuters is costing UK millions, say experts
A report published today by the Strategic Rail Authority has shocked commuters by asking them to walk faster. According to their extensive research commuters are slowing up the system simply by not boarding trains fast enough. 
Their data has shown that a single slow walking commuter can cause delays of several hours on branch line stations by dithering with luggage or asking inane questions from platform assistants. Their predictive calculations show that this can escalate to 24-hour delays for city terminals when confronted with bus-loads of slow moving old folk.
According to their findings, commuters can assist the efficiency of the rail network by using timetables, buying tickets from self-purchase machines, but more importantly, traveling light and wearing comfy-grip shoes.
Commuters should use their eyes
It's been seen as a stunning maneuver designed to shift blame from rail leaders to bipedal commuters. Union leaders expressed concern over working conditions for guards.

"We don't want to see our staff shifting arse quicker than they contractually obligated to do", said Don Peters, leader of the Aggravated Rail Workers Union.

A commuter moving quickly
But rail leaders stand firm over the report stating that commuters have previously escaped criticism and they are much to blame for the poor service as anyone else.

"All we are asking for is that people who can walk quickly should do and in general, if everyone just picked up their feet a little we would all appreciate the benefits." said a spokesperson for the SRA.