 |
| Bill Gates has said
he wants a country and he's loaded. |
|
| REDMOND,
Wash. - In
direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be
acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
for an undisclosed sum. |
|
| "It's
a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone." |
|
| Microsoft
representatives held a briefing in the Oval Office of the White
House with U.S. President George W. Bush, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal." The United
States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. |
|
| An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal
government is expected to be profitable by "Q2 2001 at
latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. |
|
| In a related
announcement, George W. Bush stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice
president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked
how he felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to
Gates, Bush smiled and
referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that
Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S.
citizens should offer Gates their "full support and
confidence." |
|
| Bush
will reportedly be earning several times the
$200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new
role at Microsoft. |
|
| Gates dismissed a
suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly," though did say that he would make executive
decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and
Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft
is not a democracy," he observed, "and look how well
we are doing." |
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| When asked if the
rumoured attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates
said, "We do not deny that discussions are taking
place." |