Newsfelch.co.uk: Microsoft acquires Federal Government of USA.

Turning fact into fiction and back again

Bill Gates has said he wants a country and he's loaded.
REDMOND, Wash. - In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the Oval Office of the White House with U.S. President George W. Bush, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q2 2001 at latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, George W. Bush stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how he felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Bush smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence."
Bush will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft is not a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we are doing."
When asked if the rumoured attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We do not deny that discussions are taking place."

 

New Timetable

2 Nov: deadline for reaching settlement
5 Nov: settle leccy bill and move cat
7 Dec: deadline for Microsoft to spot flaw in Planet Earth's right of existence
12 Dec: cancel newspapers
c20 Mar: hand over keys to white house