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Capricon
22 December - 20 January
You may find that the Mars energy may make you a little caustic at times so watch that your humor does not hurt one whom you truly care for and want to protect. You may have to play rescue mission for a friend who is having romance problems - try shagging them to cheer you both up.
Aquarius
21 January - 19 February
You will share joy with family member who receives special honor tonight. Focus on do you really care or are, indeed, jealous. Give it some thought - it may be worth drinking heavily and getting into a fight over it. Just some options.
Pisces
20 February - 20 March
Let your love shine this weekend with the planetary love energy flowing well with your sign. What? Prepare for Saturn direct and the kiss of Mercury going direct by being ready to make a commitment. Arse. Watch what you say and perhaps spend more time listening this week so that you can avoid conflict and stay in the love zone. Now that's enough of my bollocks. F'off and do something useful with your day.
Aries
21 March - 20 April
Unusual source of financial support will arrive. Probably you'll end up mugging someone. But do you get away with it? I see that you do. Congratulations. Also, this new joy will create much quandary. You'll be up to it. Or may be not. I don't can't be sure. Probably..
Taurus
21 April - 21 May
Avoid forcing issues; play a waiting game. What has been far away will be practically at your doorstep. I don't know what it is. Probably junk mail. Also I see that you will travel, write and publish but all from the comfort of your armchair whilst dreaming. Ha. Then back to work like the rest of us.
Gemini
22 May - 21 June
You are a damp fart this week and annoying shit all combined. Keep those crappy comments to yourself and stay in and do everyone all a favour. Also, you may find yourself experiencing some unexpected jealousy so look and see what it is in your relationship that you feel you are either not giving or receiving. A time to share your deepest secrets with your beloved. But more importantly, as I said, stay indoors out of our way.
Cancer
22 June - 23 July
Decide on which direction you are going and the reason why. Question concerning marriage will loom large. You exude aura of sensuality and sex appeal. So spread it around cos it'll all be gone by next Thursday. Apart from the clap - that'll be back.
Leo
24 July - 23 August
Give full play to intellectual curiosity; feel free to ask questions as long as you don't look too stupid. Keep recent resolution concerning diet - you will have that pizza. Be up to date on fashion news; you will be interviewed, tested and challenged but only in your mind. Not in the real world.
Virgo
24 August - 23 September
It is a time of transformation and preparing for a new journey this year. Try and make that ugly mug of yours even uglier. You may find yourself seeking out a new career. Positive changes in your home environment could find the numbers of folks residing there changing. Yes, squatters at the door. Be willing to begin to study in order to achieve your inner dreams. Higher education and publishing play an important role this year. Do you want fries with that?
Libra
24 September - 23 October
If dreams come true, they will for you. Only joking. This is the year when you finally begin to understand your place in the big picture. And guess what? It's nothing. You will find yourself establishing greater independence without a roof. And, you are going to like it. New friends will enter your world. Your sense of being restricted by family is going to be ended and you will have a new opportunity to travel and see the world. You will discover new gifts that you never realized where a part of your abilities. Yes, you get the sack and lose your house all coming next week.
Scorpio
24 October - 22 November
Your sense of freedom and accomplishment begin to be clearer this year. You will find yourself proud of your tenacity and holding on when others told you to give up. Relationships become stronger. Some close friends will find wedding bells ringing. Others will see the end of one relationship and the beginning of another. The point is that relationship becomes more important in helping you define yourself more clearly. Expect a sudden offer that will sweep you off your feet. Basically, all around you people are shagging except you.
Sagittarius
23 November - 21 December
Ring out the old in order to ring in the new is your clue for this year. Letting go of false expectations will lead you to greater heights of success in business and in relationships. You can make major progress this year if you are willing to reinvent yourself. Take classes. Visit museums. Choose a guru. Go to counseling. Join a support group. Begin to expand your horizon so that you may take advantage of your advantages. Don't let fear keep you from choosing to move to a new home or a new job. But be quick, 'cos you've got throat cancer and it's going to activate itself big time next Thursday.